my truth

I have been pondering about what to write here... in my blogs... I could write about how I am feeling but am thinking that maybe it will be nothing more than a series of 'poor poor pitiful me' monologues and even though that is how I feel most times... I don't really want to see that as a 'this is me' kind of thing... it is soul destroying enough to have to deal with being me without seeing my words in black and white and then the negative feelings ... guilt shame worthlessnes.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I would put as much as I could here, today!! about me, about who I am, how I am, who I was and stuff like that and then... well least it's all done.

so this is where I live... ... there i am ... just on the right... waving!!... been here about.......ooooooooooooooh 28!!!!!!!!!!! years now... wow... actually seeing that figure is a shocker and I only came to stay the night :( een wanting to move to >>>> well NOT exactly there!! the tide comes in and you know what's said about building houses on sand (in?) but anyways... where I grew up but some girl I used to know (or should that be thought i knew?) went and put a stop to that, for now anyways, so here I am.

I have 3 kids... they alone give a true meaning to the passage of time... to think they are 28, 25 and 20 is strange and I look back to when I was there ages and think 'i was doing that then' or ' I was a father by that age' and of course seeing how they see you (how you percieve they see you) and thinking back to how you see/saw your parents is a strange experience. I love my children, as any parent does... the way they made me feel when they were younger... as if I was something more was (is) a geat feeling... but as with all feelings and experiences... they disapear and all I am left with is the memory of that and the sadness of loss.

I was with some girl for about 20 years... married divorced and all the joys inbetween. We split about 9 years ago, she left with some lad she was working with and I stayed with the kids. I look back and try to think if I was okay with being with her, if I was 'happy'... I dunno. I know I let her treat me badly, I allowed her to do so many things that had a bad effect on me, that were so negative and hurtful but at the time? I stayed and fought and convinced myself that this was it... of course there are 2 sides to every story and somewhere in the middle you might find what really happened but this is my part so. I don'y know why... well maybe i know 'why' because of the trauma I suffereed throughout the relationship... but i don't KNOW WHY but i constantly dream of her... bad dreams where we are together and it always ends badly... in the dreams... and i wake feeling haunted and alone.

I think that I have only had one long term relationship and that was with her... of course I have had many 'things'... couple of weeks, the one night things and a few bizarre internet/meeting things but really just the one that lasted... I wonder about that, I am a weirdo? a freak that no one wants to be with ? (and I am sure you will have your own thoughts on that!!!) because I KNOW i am a decent guy and sure... a bit the worse for wear now :(( but all in all... okay?

Grew up with my 3 brothers... home life was... okay? It probably wasn't 'okay' and that it did me no favours formating who I became but every childhood is like that I think? Parents had a weird relationship... lived in a big house and he would stay in 'his' room... we were allowed in sometimes to watch tv but that was it... he kept himself to himself and my mum had to deal with us. I don't know if it's fair or accurate to comment on the memories I have of childhood... there were lots of good things I am sure but sadly what sticks is the bad things... memories events feelings (crikey writing/thinking about... all this is making my eyes want to shut... a sign that my brain doesn't want to play)

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4 hours later... i slept, bad dream... and I am so tired of this ... my world.

fucking miserable

17894

I have just found out I have lived for 17894 days!!! that's a lot of days huh? wonder how many have been better days?

if I have no ambition or anything that fastens then who else is to blame but me.

I was looking at 'life' meanings today... what different groups say/how they define... some things made me smile, like finding out that in ancient (a lot of days ago) Greece there was a group called 'cynic' (hence the name?) and they thought that the meaning of life...

'is living a life of Virtue that agrees with Nature. Happiness depends upon being self-sufficient and master of one's mental attitude; suffering is consequence of false judgments of value, which cause negative emotions and a concomitant vicious character.' ...

not so cynical? and then another group...

absurdism, there is a fundamental disharmony that arises out of the co-presence of man and the universe. Man has a desire for order, meaning, and purpose in life, but the universe is indifferent and meaningless; the Absurd arises out of this conflict.

As beings looking for hope in a meaningless world, Camus says that humans have three ways of resolving the dilemma.

• Suicide: The first solution to the dilemma is simply to end one's life. Camus rejects this choice as cowardly.

• Religious belief in a transcendent world: Such a belief would posit the existence of a realm that is beyond the Absurd, and, as such, has meaning. Camus calls this solution “philosophical suicide” and rejects it because it amounts to the destruction of reason, which in his view is as fatal as suicide of the body.

Accept the Absurd: According to Camus, this is the only real solution. It is to accept and even embrace the absurdity of life and to continue living. The Absurd is a crucial characteristic of the human condition, and the only true way to deal with this is bold acceptance of it. Life, according to Camus, can “be lived all the better if it has no meaning.”

That one is weird... living by accepting that there is no meaning... which in one way makes sense because any meaning we have is, by its very existence, our own and ever changing? and to ponder on a meaning (the?) can drive one mad.

It is Saturday evening here... I have work in a bit... a job that is the least 'me' defining role I could have envisaged but so that goes and then my volunteering thing tomorrow and then work for a few hours and then!!!!!!!!!!!! bank holiday monday glugness followed by MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! (day 17897 i think!!)... happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday to me eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee happy birthday to me!!! hip hip hooray!!... actually most birthdays in the last oooooooooooh well a long time have been spent feeling depressed, lost and lamenting the passing of the days YEARS!!!!

do you realize we're floating in space?

love and peaces x

days like these

where to go from here?

so here I am... blogging... must be bored?!

I went to the docs yesterday for a chat and discussed what was going on with me and she goes... 'where do we go from here?' and I am thinking ... 'well don't ask me, you're the doctor?' but instead I shrug, my shoulders drooping a little more, sigh and try to look like I will know the answer to that question very very soon but not as soon as the length of the consultation. Granted I am sure looking from her side... mid-twenties?G.P. standing in for the holidays... I must look slightly pathetic? I only made the appointment because THEY asked me to before writing another prescription for tablets which I sometimes take religiously and other times I don't.

So there I was... unshaven for 4 days, bleary eyed from sleep patterns resembling an alien and looking for all purposes the washed up, depressed (and depressing) waste of space that I am, got to keep appearances up! and I have no idea why I am sat facing the doc, well of course I KNOW why but not really what for? and so, hopefully!! writing this will help me to move on and up (why always up :( ... it's a long way to fall)... she asked some unusual questions about the why I feel as i do... and I tried to fill her in with selected bad episodes from my world... oh the joys!!

The doc asked me to lists... and I have become adept at using bullet points lately so here's my list for today...

• go for a walk
• wash myself (although I have already showered 4 times in the last week!)
• eat some food
• phone dentists to see if my teeth are back ( yes, another small thing to make me feel a complete loser... dentures :( )
• drink till i sink

and that was all I want to say about that... 'scrip wrote but I am thinking I won't bother cashing it in this time and see how things (things being me) go. wish me luck!

I was told today that staying in my room is 'vegetating' and the question I asked is what else is there? I had already been out for a walk along the prom, had some breakfast... even cleaned my failing molars, small steps in a big world! and then... there's THINGS I could do to fill the day... but really they are just things, nothings... the constant going round chasing ones tail until the day is done... because 'it's good for you'... good. GOOD?! good to do things you know to be pointless and for life to have NO meaning and to exist in a world that is full of absolutely NOTHING.

anyways... as this is the first blog I will end there.

be happy x